It’s that time of year again, when it seems like all your old, long-lost friends decide to get married. Here are some ideas of how to avoid yet another wedding.
You Will Need
* An unwanted wedding invitation
* A good excuse
* The ability to lie
Step 1. Express excitement over the invitation
When your invitation first arrives, be sure to express your excitement. RSVP yes.
Step 2. Decline a few weeks prior
Act as if you can’t wait to attend—until a few weeks prior, when you suddenly announce the terrible news that you can’t make it. Be crestfallen.
Step 3. Blame work
Consider saying you’ve been called away on an urgent business trip. While this is a fairly common excuse, you will need to keep track of the lie in future conversations with friends and friends of friends.
Step 4. Fake a family reunion
If a business trip isn’t plausible, say you’re suddenly being forced to attend a last-minute family reunion. Just make sure no relatives are going to the wedding!
Step 5. Play sick
If you need to cancel at the very last minute, claim you’ve contracted a contagious disease. Make it serious but not deadly, like a rare strain of conjunctivitis.
Step 6. Send a gift
Whatever excuse you give, be sure to send a gift and an apology note to further pretend like you care. Unless, of course, you want to end the friendship—in which case, ditch the polite routine and blow the whole thing off. You won’t hear from them ever again!
Tip: Waiting until the last minute means the couple will be stuck paying for your meal, making them very unsympathetic to your fictional illness.
Tip: Trying to get out of the wedding too early could lead to suggestions about how you could get out of your alleged “conflict.”
Fact: Ancient Romans broke a wedding cake over the bride’s head as a symbol of fertility.
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