How To Watch Roller Derby

How to watch and understand what's going on at a flat-track roller derby bout, or, barring that, how to have a good time doing it.

Step 1  

Find a bout in your area. Start with a Google search for your city's name + Roller Derby.

Step 2  

Many roller derby leagues issue 'tickets,' which allow you to attend their bout, and exchange them for 'money'. Perform this primitive barter, preferably in advance of the event, as many bouts sell out.

Step 3  

When you arrive, make a bea-line for the beer booth, grab a beer and chug. Note the location of the beer booth, as you will need a few more through the night to avoid being MOST SOBER at the afterparty.

Step 4  

Sit on the floor, right on the edge of the track, if possible.

Step 5  

Pick a team to root for. If you are not already a fan, base your decision on something completely arbitrary, such as 'I like that one girl's socks.'

Step 6  

Buy t-shirts, buttons, and stickers featuring your new favorite team.

Step 7  

Cheer loudly and lustily during introductions. Boo your team's foes.

Step 8  

Understand the basics of the game. It's divided into an arbitrary number of 'jams', which each last up to two minutes. The point of the game is for each team to get their point scorer, or 'jammer', past all the opposing skaters, as many times as possible. The 'pack' of skaters block against each other, trying to clear space for their jammer, while getting in the way of the opposing jammer.

Step 9  

Cheer loudly when a referee announces a 'Lead Jammer'. This happens when one of the jammers emerges first from the pack in their first lap through. This jammer now has the power to end the jam before two minutes elapse (the maximum time per jam). This can be a big strategic advantage for her team.

Step 10  

If there are elements of the game you don't understand, don't be shy about chatting with the referees between periods. They usually don't bite and probably appreciate the positive attention. Better yet, since a ref might not recall why he sent that skater to the box, ask your fellow fans; even if they're wearing T-shirts, buttons or tattoos of a different favorite team, they don't bite either and are usually happy to explain a finer point - as long as you wait until the current jam ends.

Step 11  

Sound knowledgeable by complimenting players on their 'whips' (sling-shotting their jammer through the pack) and 'bootie blocks' (gettin' their rump in the jammer's face).

Step 12  

If a fight breaks out, stay seated, but roar appreciatively. If a fight does not break out, roar appreciatively just the same.

Step 13  

Applaud the victors and console the losing team. Find out where the players' after party is, and buy drinks for players from both teams afterward. Don't forget to buy drinks for the referees, too.

Tips

• Find out what the alcohol policy will be at the bout. If beer will not be sold at the bout, consider drinking beer (or beer surrogates) before you get to the bout. (Over 21 only)
• Get a program; you'll want to know who's who, and you should make a point to patronize the sponsoring businesses.
• Go with friends. Derby is best enjoyed in groups.

Warnings

• Sit as close as is allowed, unless medical preconditions limit your ability to dodge falling rollergirls. A skate to the mouth never hurt anyone.
• Any shouted taunts or hollars need to be clever, enthusiastic, energetic, and 'not stupid.' An example of a 'clever' shout can be anything simple and encouraging, like "Faster, Faster, Kill Kill Kill!" An example of a 'stupid' shout would be anything sexist, such as 'Nice Tits, Ladies!'
• Do not creep out rollergirls. (Or, for that matter, any girls.) Do not follow them around after a bout. Do not silently 'hover' near or behind them at the bar afterward. Compliment them on specific hits they made or jams they rocked. They will usually talk to you for as long as you want, as long as you are not creepy.
• The corollary, lookee, no touchee. In no other sport can you go have a beer afterward with the players. The skaters may "tart up" with fishnets, short skirts, low cut uniforms and suggestive names, but it's part of their persona. Don't confuse it with license. Firstly, you're surrounded by the husbands, boyfriends and officials who will make life very unpleasant for you if you try anything untoward, and secondly, that hot rollergirl could very well be a cop or assistant district attorney in her real life.