Have you ever been in an argument where your entire reputation among friends hinges on flinging an insult at someone who insulted you, you lose the argument, and then think of a comeback that would've tossed your enemy into a living hell not fifteen minutes later? Sucks, doesn't it? This is just a brief guide to teach the ancient art of sarcasm and the equally ancient art of how to throw a good comeback at your enemy: but of course, this guide will help you in any situation where you need to have either a good comeback ready, or be sarcastic.
Step 1
First and foremost, you need a quick mind. If you do not already have a smart mind, this guide is potentially useless. A good way to get around this problem is to amass a collection of as many good comebacks as you can find; you can usually modify them for different circumstances.
Step 2
If you are insulted, don't think about the insult... This will usually give you some comebacks to use. "He who hesitates is lost"...really. If you hesitate in replying, you're dead, and the insulter has won.
Step 3
Don't hesitate to pick apart what someone says. If someone contradicts him- or herself, go to it like a swarm of piranha to a cow carcass. That usually devalues an insult in the eyes of the insulter; that sometimes makes them angry. Just don't pick something apart for longer than you need to...you could get interrupted, and that immediately makes what you were saying useless.
Step 4
Be sarcastic, though don't use sarcasm too much. If you've just insulted someone, and they insult you back with something completely irrelevant, feel free to drawl sarcastically, "Well there's an intelligent answer."
Step 5
Use swearing sparingly. Swearing twice every sentence isn't going to make you look mature - it's not going to make you look cool - it doesn't even hurt someone's feelings unless you use it as a hidden treasure. If you get the other guy to swear several times, feel free to make a biting comment or say loudly in a monotone, "oh, you're swearing now? I bet you're feeling important now".
Step 6
Call names...when appropriate. Calling names can be good, or bad, depending on how you insult the person, what you insult them with, and the situation. Using names that devalue the insulter's intelligence (such as idiot) works fine, just don't call them things that label them "mean" (such as "jerk" or "you're mean"). It doesn't work. Calling them ignorant or arrogant is great, so long as you don't say it in a nerdy way. Then it sounds like you're a geek who swallowed a dictionary.
Step 7
Be calm. Don't get angry. Don't even get a little annoyed. Keep in your mind that these people are not worth your time...they're of lower intelligence than you, and getting angry isn't going to help at all. Practice looking perfectly calm, even amused in front of a mirror. Even if you're extremely angry on the inside, on the outside, you are calm.
Step 8
Retort. Keep in mind that you shouldn't say it in any kind of special tone, condescending, cool, or 'Oh God I'm so angry I'm going to completely devastate you with a verbal comeback'. Just say it calmly and quickly.
Step 9
Walk away when you have the upper hand. There are all these guides that tell you to walk away if they insult you. The thing to remember is don't walk away until you have the upper hand in the conversation. Walking away when they are insulting you makes you look like a wimpy coward. Really.
Step 10
If the person in class is really annoying, just look in their direction but past their eyes. This will make them want to say something like "what are you looking at?". When they do this, simply reply with an irrelevant answer like "Yeah sure...whatever" Don't say anything mean that can be used against you because sometimes these lowlifes can shout them out purposely so the teacher hears. Remember that quick-witted does not always mean being snobbish. It can also mean being quick at putting that annoying kid down before your reputation crashes.
Step 11
Don't let it get to you. Also, if the person has insulted you before, with the same insult every time, yes, you can call them ignorant. But, since the person keeps calling you the same name over and over again, it sort of tells you that the person knows it bugs you . So, insult their intelligence, not to make them mad, but as to show them the right path. Say something like, 'Can you not think of anything else to call me, you ignorant idiot?' If the person may be stupid, they may not know what ignorant means, so, when they ask, say 'Thank you for proving my point.' You don't have to do exactly that, mix it up a bit, but something along the lines of that.
Step 12
If you are not very quick-witted, you might want to try practicing raising one of your eyebrows (or just an expression that clearly conveys you are not impressed). When someone insults you, just look at them, and raise an eyebrow. You can add a sarcastic 'O.K' or a 'Riiiight', or you can just smirk/laugh at them, shake your head, or roll your eyes at them and walk away. Most people HATE not being taken seriously, and dismissing them like this is often more powerful than using an unoriginal comeback.
Tips
- GOLDEN RULE: say something to neutralize what they said.
- Calling someone an ignoramus works really well. Many people don't know what this means and when they go "huh?" you have just proven that they are indeed an ignoramus.
- If they say an insult that is over-used or you have heard before, you can say something like "did you figure that out all on your own?" sarcastically. Wherever you can find fault in their insults, use it to your advantage.
- Keep the comeback quick, otherwise you're shot. Even if it's really good, a long one doesn't work.
- If you know that you are going to start an argument with someone or someone is going to start an argument with you, why not think of comebacks in advance? It also helps if you don't just stand there looking dopey, look like you are interested in what they are saying then you don't look like you want to be somewhere else. Loom like you have something to say after they have finished what they have said.
- Sometimes the best comeback of all is a "you-are-so-stupid-and-immature-it-is-almost-funny-and-this-is-beneath-me" look and a "really," or "is that right?". But don't say it when someone says something about your hair, teeth or clothes a good comeback would be "yeah that can be fixed but your face can't!"It works well...unless its about your face then say "yeah that can be fixed but your comebacks can't!"
- If somebody decides to bring your mom into the conversation, don't let them. Remind them that the conversation is about you and them...unless of course your mom is involved in the conflict.
- If they try to make a really long or complicated comeback lean against something close your eyes and wait a few seconds, then suddenly open your eyes and say "Oh! Sorry! were you saying anything important just then?..." etc.
- Acting somewhat bored and cool in an argument works well. It can also help keep your head cool, which can help a lot during an argument.
- If all else fails, laugh it off. Seeming unhurt will defeat the point of the insult.
- Let the person win a little. Don't totally give up; that would be very bad. For example, if the person says, "You need to think of new material," say, "Well yeah, but you..." Admit something to them that immediatly crosses out their insult.
- One tactic to use is to mutter "[insult]saywhat" really quickly, and they will say, "What?" This works especially well if you're in third grade.
- If you have insulted someone to the point where they're speechless or are taking a long time to think of something, smirk, say 'Thats what I thought' or something like that, and walk away.
Warnings
- Do not, under any circumstances, use childish insults such as "I know you are, but what am I". It does not work - at all.
- Never ever, ever, ever say just "your mom" unless you are countering a mom insult with your own. And if they are actually using a mom insult, it probably isn't a serious situation.
- 'Leave me alone' does not work.
- 'Leave me alone' said in a 'grown-up, serious voice' does not work. (Unless you are a grownup talking to a little kid.)
- Most grownups give kids time-outs, not insults.
- Overuse of any comeback, even a good one, will make you sound more like a dim-wit than a quick-wit.
- Being an irritating geek will down your cool, and probably get you more insults
- Make sure you always stay strong if you start getting snapped; you ALWAYS need to keep your game.
