How To Discuss Sex with Your Child

Step 1  

Keep in mind that your child will, if you start late (9 onwards is a good indicative), most likely know more than they let on about sex. In these days, kids often know more about sex than the parents.

Step 2  

Talk about sex more than once. It's best if kids hear small doses about sex over and over. Having one "sex talk" might be a convenient way for a parent to "get it over with" but it conveys that there is something embarrassing about sex, and doesn't provide for openings in communication later.

Step 3  

Tell your child about the names of their sexual body parts, saying "That's your penis" or "That part is your vulva." (Avoid using nicknames like "Peepee" or even "privates" as they convey that the real name is "embarrassing" or "naughty".) Start as early as when they are tots. This is when they're learning about all parts of their body. Talk to them when they are showing interest in their own body, or playing (by that I mean masturbating) with showing those things to you. It's totally normal.

Step 4  

Talk to your elementary child about crushes. Listen for when they talk about kids hugging or kissing on the playground, and when you hear it, take the opportunity to find out if there's anyone they like? Have they ever kissed anyone? At around age ten is the first stage of sexual awareness for children. They notice that it feels good to touch themselves. This is an important stage for later sexual health and identity. Never shame your child for their natural tendencies, as this is a natural part of healthy sexual development. If your child starts discussing other people's sexual body parts (or lack thereof) feel free to correct them gently.

Step 5  

Listen to your middle schooler. Are they interested in boys or girls? Are some of their friends "going out with someone?" Ask where they go and what they do. It's really important for your kids to know that you'll listen without freaking out. You may have opinions about what's happening, but it's most important to hear what your child has to say. Ask them if they have any questions about boys or girls. Tell them about the mechanics of sexual intercourse. (Most of them have already heard this information from their friends who have older siblings, but it's important that they know you're willing to talk about it so they can come to you with questions later.)

Step 6  

Broaden your discussions as the child gets older. By high school, talk to your child about sexual feelings and thoughts. Sexual feelings are normal and are felt often and sometimes really strongly. Let your child know that they can enjoy their sexual feelings without acting on them. Ask them when they think a person would be ready to have sex. What are their parameters? Then share with them some of the thoughts you have now, and the feelings you remember having in high school.

Step 7  

When your child asks you questions on the subject, always answer them truthfully and honestly and never lie or hide. If you don't know the answer, both you and your child can look up the meaning in a medical book. Honesty is always the best policy. Your child can resent you if you lie to them or hide it from them (e.g saying I'll tell you when you are a bit older, or, "The Stork brought you here")

Step 8  

Ask them about their opinion, ask if they have any worries or questions.

Tips

• When discussing it at an early age, keep everything strictly biological. It is better to tell children about the more emotional aspects of sex at a later age when they are more mature.
• Keep the dialog about sex going all throughout childhood. Listen for your children to talk about it casually, and see this as an opening for you to engage in conversation.
• Keep your conversations age appropriate. If your five year old asks how babies are made, tell only what they will understand, but do answer the question.
• Different parents will have different approaches, so make sure that your child takes away with them respect that they can teach their own children.
• Let your child know that no one else should ever touch them without their permission. Empower your child early to say no to some things, for example, acting inappropriately with relatives, so that they become practiced in establishing healthy boundaries.
• It's perfectly natural for your child to feel like running away, or say they don't have questions. Sex is an uncomfortable topic, regardless of how important "The Talk" is.

Warnings

• If your child shares about inappropriate sexual contact, it's imperative to listen to their experience without freaking out to the point that they shut down. Listening is your most important tool. Don't prod; carefully listen to what they say. It is important that you take action based on their complaints, as failing to do so will devastate the child's trust and respect in you.
• If your child comes to you, they trust you. Listen to them and don't pass immediate judgment.