Do you sometimes think about what it takes to have a wonderful married relationship as a good Christian-wife? Actually, it's up to you and your husband as Christians to work through your relationship in Christ and how you can each do your part to fulfill the desires and needs of each other.
You can be a great wife and glorify God in your own family that you've formed together, and here are some suggestions to check off...
Step 1
Be secure in yourself and your marriage. Plan to have family worship and quiet time with Christ worshiping God and developing your walk in Christ. Be sure to study the Bible and to praise God for your opportunities and for giving you your very life. The life of JOY is based on loving Jesus, Others and then Yourself... J.O.Y.--Yourself is "last but not least," as you are "to love others as you love yourself." So love yourself as much as you love others and then you have the winning concept straight from Christ! This also means do not try to control your husband or other people. It also means you will not judge wrongly or harshly and you will forgive yourself and others.
Step 2
Learn to pray fervently and effectively and stay in a habit of attending church regularly with your husband or alone (with girlfriends) if necessary. Pray for each other. Pray together and pray without ceasing by honoring Christ in all you do and say... Our lives are in Christ and His physical life on this earth is now in us. He is "at the right hand of the Father in Heaven where He is always making intercession for us."
Step 3
You can have a long, happy Relationship by being cheerful, positive and confident. Criticizing and putting yourself down to your husband or in front of him in public is a way of insulting his taste in women. Realize that if he is with you, it's because he chose you and wants to be with you. He finds you sexy enough even if you don't feel like you are, so be there for him. Remember that attitude and willingness are important parts of feeling and being sexy. Poor self-esteem leaves a hole in your life that is terrible for your marriage. Make sure you continue to have fun and help each other have an interesting life together, not just trying to control him with teasing about fun.
Step 4
Imagine: "What if your husband is gone tomorrow?" will you still have girlfriends you see at least once a month, your special church group that you go to, full days and busy evenings? If you were not whole, your husband would have always been working to fill a hole in your life. Well, it's one that he won't ever fill, and you might both feel inadequate and unhappy if you can't keep yourself up with friends and family as well as busy and cheerful serving Christ.
Step 5
Express your needs clearly, but don't accuse each other. Except in case your husband reads minds, don't expect your husband to just know what you want. If you want or need something, ask and discuss it together. Don't just drop hints and figure that he'll get it and "come around" without communicating calmly, clearly and directly. If something is wrong for you, say so. Christian friendships and relationships work best when each partner calmly expresses their current emotion without harping on what the other did. Frequently, a "I feel confused" or "I feel sad" is all it takes for him to step back and ask, "Why?" Then simply say, "When you slammed the door, I felt ignored (or insulted)." Let "I feel" be your key word. Avoid saying "you"--as in "you made me sad." Take responsibility for your own feelings.
Step 6
Don't expect him to give you your dreams. He needs to keep trying to do well, and you need to keep trying also, but neither of you will ever be perfect. Unsatisfied expectations frustrate everyone. However, if you both continue to work on your marriage, you will always be involved in each others lives, even when one of you comes up a little short. If your expectations are truly too high, very idealistic or unrealistic, you should set standards that are obtainable. For example, it is unfair to expect to be lavished with possessions, have the love of your life at home; staying home; having home cooking at every meal versus going out to eat instead. Also, should you want more together time, be prepared to have that desire fulfilled with some effort and sharing some cooking and house chores as much as possible, especially if both work outside the home.
Step 7
Pick your battles. Nagging and nitpicking can destroy a relationship. As long as the dishes are clean and unbroken, for instance, don't nag about how you want the dishwasher loaded--the "the right way". Let him do such things his own way. Don't sweat the small stuff. Focus on what is more important and don't be a complainer. Maybe explain the theory as you show him how you believe it needs to be done one time and then leave it alone. "Wives, place yourselves under your husbands' authority as you have placed yourselves under the Lord's authority." (Ephesians 5:22) but only so far as he is not doing crimes, is not cruel and actually abusive (not the blame game...) to you, the children or other persons.
Step 8
Encourage your husband in the Lord to do as the bible says: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it." (Ephesians 5:25) If your husband is not showing love do not demand attention or affection. Just ask cheerfully for some help and pick a time to give a playful or sexy hug and kiss: he may respond well, if he's not angry--or unless it is not the right place and time. Help him to feel comfortable in showing affection without it always leading to sex, sort of praise courtesy and kindness by showing that you are thrilled by his attention; smile, giggle and say something like "flattery will get you everywhere," and try "playing tag" sometimes or playing "keep away;" having fun--and be alluring and a little bit coy.
Step 9
Keep your sex life interesting. Be willing to try some innocent new things (or even suggest/approach it affectionately without asking) and discuss them--don't just turn down fun and harmless play when he suggests something you don't is feel appealing immediately. This may make him feel rejected or that you are not having fun. At least be willing to discuss it, and perhaps try it, but never do anything you are uncomfortable with after discussing it with him. Also, don't be afraid to discuss anything you might be interested in. Physical intimacy is as important to a marriage as emotional intimacy. Nurture them both.
Step 10
Accept him and especially his little mannerisms and habits. Accept him as he is, so that you have such deep respect and gratitude for him that you would never want him to change for you. He has so much to offer you if you give him the space to be himself. He is a growing individual, just like you are. Help him grow in the direction that he chooses, and give him the chance to help you.
Tips
- Don't criticize your husband, not in his presence, not in his absence, not when you're in front of people, and not when you're alone together.
- Be supportive, encouraging, and compliment him as much as you can. This doesn't mean you shouldn't voice your concerns, but there's a difference between expressing your needs and criticizing his ability to meet them.
- Developing a great marriage is up to you and your husband as you grow in your JOYful life in Christ, but you can both learn to be wonderful partners for each other by applying what you know. Be vigorous and lively in your pursuits as a loving, affectionate Christian.
Warnings
- Don't be a control freak or an angry, aggressive wife. Be fair and honest about what is happening, but not tricky controlling and self-centered...
- If you're forced to do things; if he hits you at all; if he tries to control your family or girlfriend that you see or demeans you, it's definitely not a good relationship. A real man gets what he wants without forcing. Talk things out or see a counselor.
- If he turns violent, even once, make sure you're safe. Depending on the situation that might mean moving out, or calling the police, or telling someone what's happening - whatever you do, don't continue to suffer in silence, and don't accept abuse (physical or otherwise) in your relationship.
- Remember--if he ever does it again, even if he comes back seeming as loving as ever, and apologizes again and again and again--but the violence continues and escalates each time. Read How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship.
